Episcopalians Permanently Switch To Cardboard Parishioners

U.S.—To fill out empty churches, the Episcopal Church has announced a permanent switch to cardboard cutout parishioners. 

The move will help Episcopalian congregations appear full and vibrant, even though most of their members left decades ago.

"Finally, our churches will be full again," said one priest in California as he set up a row of young, happy churchgoers right up in the front. "I haven't seen this place this packed since '05."

"1905, that is."

Best of all, Episcopalian priests are excited that they'll be able to eisegete and explain away problem texts without a word of complaint from anyone. "We can say pretty much anything now," the priest continued. "Usually you get some confused looks when you start saying that the text doesn't really mean what it says. Then, oddly enough, those churchgoers don't bother coming back to church to hear you teach the Bible the next Sunday. It's very strange."

One downside is that the personalities of the new church members are very two-dimensional.

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