WASHINGTON, D.C.—The Secretary of Defense declared Wednesday that the United States of America is now at DEFCON 1 for the very first time in history after Donald Trump was granted 280 characters to utilize on each of his tweets.
The upgrade to Twitter’s text capacity was rolled out to most users Tuesday, with the DEFCON 1 rating following shortly after as defense officials realized the implications for Trump’s Twitter account for the fate of the world.
The DEFCON system has degraded to the rating of “2” twice in U.S. history—during the Cuban Missile Crisis and during the Gulf War—but never reached its most severe level until today.
“Nuclear war is imminent. There’s nothing we can do about it but prepare for life in a post-apocalyptic world. Kiss your loved ones goodbye,” Secretary of Defense James Mattis said in a statement from a fallout shelter deep underneath the nation’s capital.
“May God help us all,” he added gravely before signing off.