WASHINGTON, D.C. — President-elect Donald Trump was still several weeks away from taking office, but the implementation of new policies by his Department of Government Efficiency had already begun, as "Elon on the Shelf" dolls were being installed in all congressional offices to remind lawmakers to be efficient.
In accordance with DOGE's philosophy, the dolls bearing the image of Elon Musk were placed throughout the Capitol Hill complex to keep legislators in line and help them remember the potential consequences of wasteful spending.
"Every time I think about loading up a piece of legislation with pork and favors for lobbyists, I look at that doll," said one lawmaker. "We're all terrified of that thing. It might be smiling, but you can see something threatening in its eyes. Just like the real Elon."
Sources with knowledge of recent DOGE meetings said the "Elon on the Shelf" dolls would be moved periodically to different locations around congressional offices to keep tabs on lawmakers. "They have all been informed about what will happen if they don't behave," said one insider. "Sometimes you just have to strike fear into the hearts of these congressmen to get the results you need. They're surprisingly similar to young children."
Early results indicated that the dolls were doing the trick, with members of Congress already being shamed into scrapping a bloated government spending bill.
At publishing time, the DOGE source confirmed that members of Congress would also be supervised in Capitol bathrooms by the placement of Trump-inspired "Don on the John" dolls.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
