WASHINGTON, D.C. — Elon Musk has outwitted the Security and Exchange Commission, forcing them to drop all legal disputes by simply becoming a member of Congress.
While previously unleashing a $150 million lawsuit against Musk for filing paperwork a week late, upon hearing Musk was now a Congressman, the SEC ceased all action and informed Musk he can now do whatever he wants.
"Musk is in Congress? It's over boys," announced SEC Chair Gary Gensler. "You know the drill -- cancel the lawyers, pack it up. Someone get him Pelosi's stock newsletter. Man, and we were so close to nailing him for a dumb clerical error. That rascal."
According to sources, Gensler immediately called Musk to apologize for the whole "billions of dollars in lawsuits" thing, and informed him that he could now do insider trading if he would like. "That's okay, I really just didn't want to pay $150 million for mailing something a week late," said Musk. "Also, I'm going to fire half of you in a few weeks here, so yeah, no hard feelings."
At publishing time, the DEA had also contacted Musk to let him know that as a Congressman he could now do whatever drugs he liked.
Trump had laid out his plan to absorb Canada and rename it to something better.