DES MOINES, IA—Elizabeth Warren got off her private jet in Iowa this week and was horrified to see someone taking video. Some politicians would consider providing an explanation for hypocritical behavior like this, or, a lot more rarely, even changing their lifestyles to align with their stated beliefs. But not Elizabeth Warren.
Thinking quickly, Warren slipped under a nearby cardboard box and slowly crept by so as to avoid the watchful eyes of reporters. As she attempted to sneak by, several bystanders saw the box, exclamation points appearing above their heads as they ran over to investigate. Warren attempted to distract pesky onlookers by knocking on walls and was forced to crawl through several ventilation ducts to avoid detection.
Sadly, just before she arrived at her gas-guzzling car, she was caught and forced to answer questions about her environmental hypocrisy anyway. She cried out in anguish, and her staff radioed her to see what was the matter: "What's wrong? Warren? WAAAAAAAARREEEENNNN!!!!"