LOS ANGELES, CA—Presidential candidate Elizabeth Warren told an audience at a campaign rally about how she was run out of her job for being pregnant.
Unfortunately, many of those gathered had heard her previous statements that contradicted this new narrative. There are videos of her saying otherwise, after all, as well as official records that dispute her account. But Warren had a backup plan.
"If I could get everyone's attention---please look into this small device here," Warren said, holding up a standard-issue politicians' neuralyzer. The confused crowd looked at the small light on the device, and before they knew what was happening, Warren had pressed a button, causing a blinding flash to stun everyone in the room.
"I never said anything that contradicts the story that I was fired for being pregnant," she told the crowd, who now stared on with glazed-over eyes, though this look wasn't much different than the usual look of Warren's supporters. "I was fired for being pregnant, and that's that. End of story." Warren also got a journalist to back her up, as the journalist asked her mom, and the mom said, "Yup, that's true."
"You're all better off this way. You all ought to celebrate by buying some new clothes, maybe doing a little redecorating. It's better for all of us now," Warren added.
At publishing time, President Trump had phoned up Warren's people to see how he could get his hands on "one of those babies."