Presiding over any one of the country's most prestigious institutes of higher learning can be a challenging task. While it is a tremendous honor to be given such a job, you will be responsible for the educational experience for tens of thousands of students, beholden to faculty and donors, and you may need to testify before Congress regarding virulent antisemitism on your school's campus.
If you're still interested in pursuing the position, The Babylon Bee is here to help with the following list of qualifications to get hired as an Ivy League president:
- Be gay: Or at least be named Gay.
- Have a below-average haircut: No one with a respectable, decent-looking hairdo will even be considered.
- You throw up every time you hear the word "white": You have to keep a bucket next to you every time you hear Bing Crosby sing.
- Your career as a painter in Austria was a failure: You tried your hand at being an artist, why not make a change and try to make it as a militant fascist leader?
- Have a PhD in plagiarism: Don't worry, you'll still get to keep your job even if you get exposed as a fraud.
- You believe context is important when being asked to condemn genocide: Not all exterminations of entire nationalities or people groups are equal, after all.
- You admire the achievements of 1930s Germany: They were so organized and passionate.
- Your heart is filled with darkness and you desire to poison the minds of young people because you hate humanity: Let the hate FLOW through you!
If you check enough of the boxes on the list above, you too can soon be actively participating in the systematic destruction of America!
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Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.