WASHINGTON, D.C. — The U.S. Secretary of Education Miguel Cardona will be delivering America's first-annual "State of the Groomers" speech this evening, sources say.

"I will be speaking tonight from the hallowed halls of the Department of Education to reassure Americans that the state of our grooming is strong," said Cardona. "Public School teachers have dedicated their lives to grooming children for years, and tonight we must make them feel seen, supported, and protected."

Cardona's team confirmed he plans to outline recent advances in child grooming in grades K-12, as well as several policy proposals to protect the practice of state-sanctioned grooming for years to come.

"We will never shy away from our sacred duty to indoctrinate kids with our perverse sexual politics and push them into a Big Pharma sales pipeline that will make them medical patients for the rest of their lives," Cardona continued. "If that's not the purpose of education, what is?"

At publishing time, the speech had been delayed as none of Cardona's recently graduated speechwriters knew how to read or write.

World, meet Travis. Travis, meet the world. In this first episode of our new show Travis Interviews the World, we interview some guy named Jordan Peterson.