Everyone right now is wondering whether 100 men could beat one gorilla in a fight, but the answer is incredibly simple.
In fact, it's so easy to beat a gorilla in a fight that even you could do it, if you follow these time-tested methods.
Convince it to instead have a battle of wits over which wine is poisoned: Gorillas are terrible at battles of wits.
Impose regulation boxing rules: It will inevitably bite or hit below the belt and be disqualified.
Dress up like an attractive lady gorilla and lure it underneath a suspended grand piano, then drop the piano on the gorilla: If done correctly, the gorilla's teeth should turn into piano keys.
Use a well-timed eye gouge: Notably, the Three Stooges have never lost a fight to a gorilla.
Spend a few years teaching it sign language, then you can sign insults at it and get in its head: A psychologically demoralized gorilla is much easier to fight.
Trick it to the top of the Empire State Building, then just scream a lot while biplanes shoot it: It really works.
Send it to an Ivy League with a yarmulke on its head: A death sentence.
Cut off all its arms and legs and leave it on a volcanic mining planet to die: Note: Make sure you have the high ground for this one.
Say "No no no, not until we get the rules straightened out" and as the gorilla says "There are no rules" kick it in the groin, just like Paul Newman did in "Butch Cassidy And The Sundance Kid": Works only with gorillas who haven't seen "Butch Cassidy And The Sundance Kid."
Use the Wu-xi Pinky Hold: Then say "Skadoosh" and duck for cover as the gorilla explodes into a thousand gorilla fragments.
Wear it down with Kamala's cackle on repeat: This tactic is so brutal it was banned as a war crime by the Geneva Convention.
See how simple that is? Now you never have to worry about losing a fight with a gorilla. Congratulations.
Brynnleigh is on a mission to stop America from becoming… well, America.
