WASHINGTON, D.C. — Inside sources confirmed the grim news this morning that the Easter Bunny was found dead yesterday, having passed away only days after having a scheduled meeting with Vice President JD Vance.
The Easter Bunny's chief of staff revealed that the beloved holiday mascot had passed away at some point during the night after finishing his meeting with Vance, leaving his inner circle devastated and billions of fans in mourning around the globe.
"He seemed so happy after the meeting, we don't know what happened," said Stacy Hasenpfeffer, a spokeswoman for the Easter Bunny's office. "We had the meeting with Vice President Vance on the books for months. We knew he had just met with the Pope, but we didn't think anything of it. Then, this morning… we discovered that the Easter Bunny had hidden his last egg. May he rest in peace."
The vice president's office quickly denied any connection between the meeting and the Easter Bunny's passing. "These wild theories are out of control," said Vance's Press Secretary Taylor Van Kirk. "First with Pope Francis, now with the Easter Bunny. It's irresponsible for the media to spin these narratives that Vice President Vance would have anything to do with their deaths. If anyone wants to continue to raise suspicions, I'll be happy to schedule a one-on-one meeting between them and the Vice President. Got it?"
At publishing time, the Trump administration had publicly offered its condolences to the Easter Bunny's wife and their 7,438 children.
Mission accomplished: Satan has just confirmed that Jesus of Nazareth was crucified and will never be coming back.
