Politics
Dr. Fauci Takes Group Of Schoolchildren Hostage, Demands Stimulus Bill As Ransom

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Local law enforcement for the District of Columbia has issued an Amber Alert for five schoolchildren kidnapped by Dr. Anthony Fauci. They are currently being held hostage in an undisclosed location, with Fauci threatening to keep them in captivity until a stimulus bill is passed by Congress.

"This is for science," said Fauci. "Science is demanding a stimulus bill be passed. You all didn't listen so now I have to make you listen!" 

Federal authorities are looking for the missing children. Their only lead is a ransom note left at the front doorstep of the FBI headquarters this morning. The note reads as follows and is pictured below: 

"If you ever want your children to go back to school again, leave a stimulus bill in the dumpster behind Hooters. Small bills only. Midnight. No cops."

The FBI has requested for anyone with information on the whereabouts of the hostages to call them immediately. 

The Biden Administration has praised Dr. Fauci's decision to kidnap and hold the kids for ransom as "very scientific." 

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