U.S. — Law enforcement officials with the Federal Bureau of Investigation were overjoyed this morning to discover the nation's most dangerous domestic extremists had helpfully labeled themselves with a strange black "X" on their foreheads.
"Wow. This makes our job so much easier," said FBI Domestic Extremism Investigator Chet O'Grady. "This morning our field offices across the country reported they had observed hundreds of people arriving at various suspected extremist locations, where some strange guy wearing robes marked them with ashes on their foreheads. Now we have thousands more suspects to monitor this year. Jackpot!"
The bizarrely marked potential insurgents will be monitored for terrorist activity, such as attending school board meetings and praying outside abortion clinics. "These sickos are capable of anything," said O'Grady. "America can rest assured that we will be watching them very closely."
At publishing time, the FBI had nabbed several suspected terrorists at a local church basement fish fry.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
