PHOENIX, AZ — After collecting data from thousands of toilets across the country, dog scientists have definitively determined that toilet water contains essential nutrients not found in a water bowl.

"Water bowls simply do not provide adequate nutrition for the canine community," said Dr. Hairy Pawter. "For the zinc, phosphorous, and clostridium every dog needs, nothing beats a nice, full toilet."

Dr. Pawter expressed optimism that the findings would help reduce the long-standing stigma surrounding toilet water. "For years, dogs have been shamed by their owners for drinking out of the commode," said Dr. Pawter. "We have even been subjected to bigoted accusations of being 'disgusting' and 'horrifically nauseating'. I hope the big people will at last realize we are only guilty of supporting strong bones and healthy hearts."

The team of dog scientists collected samples of toilet water from across the country to analyze the composition across different owners and environments. "This was a very rigorous, well-designed study," said fellow researcher Dr. Sherlock Bones. "While water bowls remain fine for hydration, holistic care for your dog should include several good tongue-laps of toilet water every day. We recommend always leaving the door unlocked and the lid up to help lower the barrier to good nutrition."

The team of dog scientists has reportedly begun a follow-up study examining the long-term cholesterol benefits of eating shoes.

World, meet Travis. Travis, meet the world. In this first episode of our new show Travis Interviews the World, we interview some guy named Jordan Peterson.