CHICAGO, IL — The American Medical Association has just released new guidance advising doctors to stop asking "Who is the president?" while testing for concussions since, at the moment, nobody is actually sure who the president really is.
The change in procedure came after doctors began realizing that patients' confusion after being asked to name the president was actually a sign of healthy brain function rather than a symptom of brain trauma.
"Diagnosing concussions is very different here in 2024," said neurologist Dr. Scott Scully. "In fact, we have found that patients who confidently assert that Joe Biden is running the country often have some level of brain damage. Those are the people we schedule to have brain scans right away."
Instead of the traditional president query, the AMA suggested several more up-to-date questions that everyone of sound mind should know the answer to, such as: "Did you pay too much on your last grocery visit?" or "Did Kamala Harris grow up in a middle-class family?"
"Those are far better questions to ask someone to determine their cognitive function," Dr. Scully explained. "I mean, I have not suffered any blows to the head or brain damage, and even I can't tell you with any level of certainty who the president is."
As is standard procedure, it will be illegal to administer these updated cognitive health tests to any elected officials.
At publishing time, the AMA promised to launch an investigation to find out who actually is the current president after noticing that journalists seemed completely uninterested in answering that question.
DOGE is here, and Elon and Vivek will eliminate millions of government positions