WASHINGTON, D.C. — Washington sources report that the White House received "a real downer of a prognosis" yesterday after Dr. Pillary Schminton informed President Biden that the only known cure for COVID is euthanasia.
Dr. Schminton, who received formal training in Canada, said that — despite the seeming cruelty of it all — euthanasia is the only responsible choice for treating the President's terrible case of COVID-19.
"I'm so sorry to say, this is totally fatal," Dr. Schminton reportedly said. "The only thing we have left to do is keep the poor fellow comfortable and inject him with morphine until he just slips quietly into the sweet embrace of dropping out of the race, er, I mean, death."
According to White House insiders, the top Democrat leaders who had hired Dr. Schminton were utterly shocked by the diagnosis.
"What? Oh no," gasped Vice-President Kamala Harris, as a cackle tugged at the corners of her mouth. "Euthanasia? No, Joe! We've got to do it! I'm so sorry old buddy…we've been through so much together! I'll miss you so dearly!"
Reports say that Dr. Jill Biden attempted to use her Doctorate of Education to offer a second opinion, but she was quickly hustled out of the White House and into an unmarked black SUV before she could give a comment. President Biden was unavailable for comment, as he was being forcibly quarantined.
At publishing time, Democrat leaders had Dr. Schminton hard at work putting together a certificate of death to release after the president's COVID treatment was completed.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
