HOUSTON - In a country torn apart by conflicts over race, religion, and politics, the Houston Astros provided much-needed relief by unifying people everywhere in their hatred of the Houston Astros.
By advancing to the World Series, the Astros reminded America that they were a bunch of cheaters that for some reason had not been driven out of baseball entirely and exiled to an island off the coast of Greenland. All across the country, people from all walks of life spontaneously came together to express their hatred for the team.
In a joint press conference, Donald Trump and Nancy Pelosi talked about their shared dismay over seeing the Astros in the World Series. Said Trump, "This is maybe the worst thing that has ever happened to baseball or to America. Everybody says so. So I'm here with Nancy to encourage all Americans to join us in hoping something really bad happens to the Houston team bus, or maybe that they get some bad shrimp in the clubhouse buffet." Speaker Pelosi added, "Even now, we have the best constitutional scholars looking into the possibility of impeaching the entire Houston team and replacing them with the much more popular Hillary Clinton."
A coalition of trans-rights activists, Southern Baptists, gangster rappers, and snooty country club members put aside their mutual animosity to raise public awareness about the terribleness of the Astros. The group has staged numerous rallies all across the country drawing huge crowds of Astro-haters to boo, chant insults, and set fire to giant piles of Astro paraphernalia.
An attendee at one of the rallies, 31-year-old Jose Altuve, said "Man, the atmosphere of unity here really pulls you in! I hope that garbage Astros team really gets their butts kicked!"
Watch as a fired Twitter employee applies for her first *actual* job: