ORLANDO, FL—In what's being called a vicious and despicable act of terror, Disney has reportedly taken all of your favorite childhood films hostage and is threatening to release more live-action remakes until the company's demands are met.
Disney mercenaries sneaked into the company's own vault in the middle of the night, kidnapped your favorite childhood films, and are currently holding all of the footage hostage at an undisclosed location somewhere at the Walt Disney World Resort.
"OK, listen up, here's how it's gonna go: you're gonna give us $50 billion in small, unmarked bills by midnight, or we're gonna start in on a live-action Emperor's New Groove," said a masked Disney representative in a video uploaded to the internet, as he waved a gun around. "Every hour that you don't pay the ransom, we're going to announce a remake of another one of your beloved childhood films. Lilo & Stitch, Tangled, Darkwing Duck---everything's on the table. Heck, we'll even do The Jungle Book." Another Disney terrorist then reminded him that they'd already done that one. "Oh yeah," he said. "I'd totally forgotten about that. Wasn't Christopher Walken in it? So weird and unnecessary."
"Now pay up, or the genie gets it," he added ominously.
The terrorist movie and entertainment company has released a full list of films, cartoons and TV shows that will get a big-budget, live-action-and-CGI reboot if its demands aren't met. The list included Bonkers, TaleSpin, Recess, Toy Story, The Black Cauldron, Monsters, Inc., Phineas and Ferb, and dozens of others. The company even threatened to release a cartoon remake of its previous live-action remake of the original Beauty and the Beast cartoon.
The money was raised within hours and the films have been freed, though Disney is tragically still proceeding with the live-action remake of Aladdin.