Disney Buys Rights To The Bible, Plans 37 Sequels

BURBANK, CA—Disney is buying the intellectual property rights to the Bible for $7.02 billion from its Author. In a statement announcing the purchase, Disney said it planned to release a major Bible sequel in 2020 The Christ Awakens, kicking off a big-budget trilogy.

That exciting new franchise launch will be followed by around 36 more planned sequels, reboots, remakes, and spin-offs, the company said. While some of the stories will follow the overarching plot of God establishing his Kingdom, other stories will be offshoots of characters and worlds within the biblical narrative such as Shamgar: A Judges Story, Rise of Habakkuk, Song of Solomon 2: Gaza Heat, and Dirty Job, a gritty follow up to the book of Job starring Mike Rowe.

“There hasn’t been new Bible material since around 96 AD,” said Disney representative Hank Friedman. “We want to bring back all those Biblical characters people were aching to learn more about like Dorcas and Haggai.” Friedman said Disney was confident there is “an endless amount of pent-up demand.”

Disney also stated plans to convert a large portion of existing biblical characters into more underrepresented minorities. For instance, there are already talks of making Moses a mysterious purple-haired woman who is chased by robotic pharaohs through a dystopian cyberpunk Egypt. Other conversations have included remaining King David into a woman named Lady David. “Lady David would be this time-travelling sexy alien ninja taking out undead Philistines with her crossbow,” said creative executive Amy Robeson.

While some Christians have their doubts about what the House of Mouse might do with their sacred text, others are more optimistic. “We’ve been reading the same Bible stories for centuries. I’m thrilled to finally find out what happens next,” said Bible fan-blogger Wendell Sherman. “Just imagine: We might finally get a third Chronicles!” he gushed.

Disney will reportedly pay half the $7 billion in donations to the church and half in spiritual acts of worship to God.