SPRINGFIELD, MO — This week, Christian Republicans expressed disappointment when the expected Red Wave™ was downgraded to a "red trickle." Widespread reports indicated that their frustration with the election results was acute enough to nearly convince them to place their trust in God once again rather than elected representatives.
"After months of putting their trust in human leaders for protection, some Christians are suggesting we all start trusting the creator of the universe for the future," said political analyst Robert Austinson to reporters via a Facebook live stream while refreshing his feed of post-election Christian commentators. "I'm not really sure that's a good strategy after God's inability to get our preferred candidates elected in these midterms."
Some in the Christian community have responded to the election results by saying things like: "the King's heart is in the hand of the Lord", "Christ will build his church and the gates of hell will not prevail against it", and "do not put your trust in princes, in a son of man in whom there is no salvation – instead put your trust in the Lord." Political consultants, however, insist these claims are "dubious at best."
At publishing time, Christians had been veering dangerously close to trusting in God before suddenly remembering there was a shiny new election in 2024 to chase.
Kyle Mann was just minding his own business, when- BOOP! A wild Gender Fairy appeared!