PHILADELPHIA, PA — In the wake of his Senate victory, Democratic Pennsylvania Lt. Gov. John Fetterman has purchased a new dress hoodie to wear in Washington. Fetterman made the purchase at the King of Prussia mall on Wednesday afternoon.
"Hoodie... yes hoodie. Fancy. Dress up. Professional... professional," said Fetterman to reporters. "Wear. Hoodie."
"He looks amazing in the hoodie," said Pauli's Vittorino, a sales associate at Joey's, a casual menswear store. "He looks like a real Senator now. Future president, maybe!"
According to a customer who witnessed the transaction, Fetterman had difficulty trying on the 4XL hoodie, likely due to struggles associated with his tragic stroke. "His wife helped him put the hoodie on," said the customer, who wished to remain anonymous. "I voted for the other guy because I found Fetterman's neck lump unsettling. But this new hoodie makes me reconsider!"
Writers for Vogue declared the new loungewear an "iconic new fashion statement," while People Magazine declared the new Senator a strong contender for "sexiest man alive." Fetterman responded to the glowing reviews, saying: "glurghhhh."
At publishing time, Fetterman had also purchased some dress flip-flops and another shotgun in case he runs into any black joggers in D.C.
Kyle Mann was just minding his own business, when- BOOP! A wild Gender Fairy appeared!