U.S. — A new Wall Street Journal survey revealed that the top characteristic employers are looking for in a new employee is having never, ever attended Harvard University.
"Never going to Harvard has become a real 'must-have' trait for any employee here," said Caterpillar CEO Dan Garner. "Honestly, unless you haven't gone to Harvard, you really can't even get your foot in the door."
Several CEOs of major companies stated on record that they have updated all their recruiting services to automatically filter out Harvard graduates. "It's just more convenient than tossing their cover letters into the shredder," said recruiter Kevin Montey. "Plus, they were always late for interviews if there was an east wind slowing down their paragliders. It's just not worth the trouble."
While having never attended M.I.T. or Columbia also carries weight, not going to Harvard has become the hottest commodity for potential employees. "Going into the interview, I was nervous how I would stack up as a graduate of Frank Phillips Community College of Borger, Texas," said local woman Sandra Riley. "Then I learned the other applicant for the job was a Harvard graduate, the poor guy. I knew right then and there, the job was mine."
At publishing time, Harvard graduates had luckily still been able to find work with a large-cap multinational company known as "Hamas."
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
