WILMINGTON, DE — In a statement labeled by his critics as a poor attempt at damage control, Hunter Biden sought to clarify that when he wrote a text message to a Chinese government official saying he was "sitting next to my father," he was actually referring to his Heavenly Father.
"I'm really into God...and all that stuff," Hunter said from his bed when reached for comment at 2 P.M. after sleeping off a three-day bender. "Those text messages — which may or may not actually be mine — include me making very solemn references to God as my Father, because He's, like, totally with me at all times. Or something."
Hunter's 2017 text messages to a member of the Chinese Communist Party have caused significant controversy, bolstering allegations that Hunter and his father, President Joe Biden, have been peddling political influence in exchange for money. "Totally not true," Hunter said. "That Chinese dude is a member of my prayer circle. I was letting him know I expected him to fulfill his commitment…to our Bible Jesus meeting, or something. And when I warned him about my ability to hold a grudge, I was actually talking about holding a grudge against…sin, or whatever. Yeah."
The explanation was met with skepticism from Republicans in Congress. "Hunter Biden has got to be the least-religious person I've ever seen," said Senator Josh Hawley of Missouri. "If I were him, I'd be watching out for lightning bolts the next time I try to use God as an alibi."
At publishing time, Hunter Biden was reportedly on his way to Church to meet with a Ukrainian "associate" over a few bottles of sacramental wine.
It's a serious medical emergency: you're minding your own business when you hear an opinion you slightly disagree with.