HELL—Satan, ruler of demons, upon hearing that stimulus funds are being given out freely to struggling individuals, businesses, and foreign countries, has sought to acquire some stimulus for himself. He realized that with these funds he could finally get around to expanding the path to Hell, and meet the rising demand.
“Does the bill truly say that stimulus funds cannot go towards Hell?” hissed the Devil. “I don’t see why that money can’t go to Hell! Besides, this road isn’t going to pave itself.”
“We’ve seen quite a lot of growth here recently,” said a man being endlessly tortured in the flames. “We’re really not sure that these numbers are sustainable. Just the other day we had so many people coming through the gate at once that it caused a huge jam and took hours to fix.”
“Also, you wouldn’t happen to have a single drop of water, would you?”
According to the most recent Hell metrics, there has been an unprecedented and concerning rise in the number of people arriving at the gates of Hell. Many believe this uptick could be linked to the rise in popularity, and acceptance of things like Netflix’s movie Cuties, laughing at the idea of God’s existence, and Twitter’s refusal to remove child porn.
“Yeah, these past few years have been more than I could’ve ever expected,” said the Devil, welling up with tears. “We’ve just come so far, and grown so much. Now, with these extra funds, we can afford the extra demonpower we need to expand the way here. It will be like 10 Sodom and Gomorrahs every day.”
Satan went on to thank his hardest working demons for paving the roads of racism, greed, and jealousy, and for their tireless hours spent constructing lies about sexuality.