NUUK — With rhetoric from both European countries and the United States over control of the island escalating, Denmark commenced a plan to protect Greenland by securing it in a giant cookie tin.
In the face of increased pressure to sell the territory to the U.S. for national security purposes, Danish leaders devised what sources said was a "foolproof" plan to enclose Greenland the best way they know — by replicating its trademark cookie tin on an enormous scale.
"This will also keep Greenland fresh and crispy for the foreseeable future," said Danish Prime Minister Mette Frederiksen. "While the Americans continue to broadcast their threats to take Greenland from us, we will move forward with every option at our disposal to maintain control of our territory. Hence the gigantic, nation-sized cookie tin."
Though many across social media ridiculed the idea, experts warned that the cookie tin plan was a time-tested strategy. "It's hard to argue with its track record of success," said historian Mikel Hargenbrück. "The cookie tin has been a staple of Danish defense for centuries. The Americans are strong, but are they strong enough to penetrate the giant Danish cookie tin? Time will tell."
Upon hearing the news, U.S. President Donald Trump scoffed at the plan. "It only serves to make Greenland look more delicious," he told reporters. "No cookie tin has ever prevented me from getting what's inside. Greenland, like delicious butter cookies, is vital to the future security of the United States. We will have the cookies. And by ‘cookies,' I mean Greenland. And any cookies they have there."
At publishing time, the Danish government had urged Greenlanders to seek additional shelter by huddling in groups of three stacked on top of each other in protective, corrugated paper cups.
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