WASHINGTON, D.C.—Amid deliberations on the Born-Alive Abortion Survivors Protection Act, which was somehow seen as controversial, Democrat leaders reaffirmed their belief that newborn babies are precious gifts, nearly as precious as the right to kill them.
"Don't get us wrong, we believe newborn babies are very precious," said Senator Kamala Harris. "We just don't believe they're quite as precious as your constitutional right to snuff out their innocent little lives."
"When I see their little joyful faces, I'm reminded that miracles are real, as are your rights to smother their lives before they've gotten to experience life at all," she said.
Other Democrat leaders agreed with Harris' comments, with Cory Booker claiming that he loves children as well as your "God-given right to kill them." "It's like, this is our Spartacus moment," he said. "This is our moon shot: are we going to let their adorable little faces stop us from ending their lives? Are the women of this nation going to give up their right to kill babies just because they're a human life? I think we can do better. I think we can do it."
"I am Spartacus! I am Spartacus!" he added for some reason.
At publishing time, Democrat legislators had clarified that universal healthcare, climate change action, and raising taxes on the wealthy are also more precious than the face of a newborn baby.