Dems: ‘Socialism Is The Only Way To End This Nightmare Of Prosperity’

U.S.—Laying their cards on the table with the midterms approaching, the nation’s Democrats have united to send a clear message: socialism is America’s only hope of ending the current nightmare of economic prosperity.

“We’re living in a hellscape—but there is an escape,” 2020 presidential hopeful Joe Biden said at an event Thursday. “Democratic socialism, which is socialism, with ‘democratic’ also in the name, you’ll notice, which makes a big difference—remember, Republicans gonna put y’all back in chains, which is something that could never literally happen under socialism—democratic socialism is what’s going to free us from our horrific, flourishing, present conditions. You do the math.”

“Listen, we have a unified message. And that message is please, oh please, we’ll do anything to regain power—we’ll flirt with communism. Communism!” Biden said to roaring applause as Nancy Pelosi heaved into a brown paper bag behind him.

“Together we can end this terrible, profitable national nightmare by implementing a historically proven method for utterly destroying a nation forever!”

Pelosi stepped up to offer a brief endorsement: “It’s true, I’ve been pushing back against the socialite uprising. But I want you to know I’ve seen the light, and I now agree that demographic social science is the future of our party.”

“Kill anyone who disagrees!” Maxine Waters bellowed from the background.

At publishing time, Biden, Pelosi, Waters, and the other event speakers were huddled together on stage, sobbing.