WASHINGTON, D.C.—During a press conference earlier today, Nancy Pelosi very loudly and very publicly announced that Joe Manchin possesses information that will lead to the arrest of Hillary Clinton.
"Good morning, Monday morning," Pelosi said. "It has come to our attention that Senator Manchin has dirt on the Clintons. It brings us no pleasure to report this, and we're announcing it for no real reason in particular."
"So, if it matters to anyone—any former secretaries of state or presidential candidates, for instance—just know that he's got some really juicy stuff on Hillary. It's pretty bad."
Pelosi was quick to clarify that she has not seen the dirt herself and has no knowledge of what it might be and personally believes Hillary Clinton to be an upstanding American of the highest caliber.
She then whispered, "Hillary, if you're watching this—you know what to do." She moved her finger along her throat but later claimed that was just a metaphor. "Finger on throat means death."
Manchin is survived by no one as the blast is expected to take his entire family and everyone he loves.
Struggling with your faith? Pondering a deconversion? This exvangelical, who has barely thought about anything she’s ever believed, can help.