WASHINGTON, D.C. - As Democrats took control of the House of Representatives, they promised the nation they would surpass even the Republicans at doing everything in their power to screw up the nation.
In a speech Thursday, returning Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi committed to her constituents and the nation at large that she'd lead Congress in accelerating the nation toward its inevitable doom even faster than the Republicans have.
"Everything bad they do, we'll do it worse," Pelosi said Thursday. "Out-of-control spending? We got you covered. Endless bickering? You got it. Funding Planned Parenthood? You ain't seen nothin' yet."
Elbowing Pelosi out of the way, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez grabbed the microphone and promised to catapult the country toward its demise even faster than the Republican-controlled Congress was able to. "Republicans are good at one thing: being bad at stuff. I'll tell you this much, fam, we'll be even worse! Ain't nobody can beat a Bronx girl at her own game!" Ocasio-Cortez was then quietly escorted away as she began a lengthy beatbox routine she found on the internet.
The nation is reportedly excited to see how bad the Democrats can do at their job, with Congress scoring an 80% approval rating on how much it's messing everything up.