WASHINGTON, D.C. — Robert F. Kennedy Jr. was confirmed Thursday as the next Secretary of Health and Human Services with a 52-48 vote in the Senate and now Democrats are in a panic, with many rushing off to chug as much seed oil as they can before he takes over.
"RFK Jr.'s tyranny cannot stop us," said Senator Bernie Sanders as he downed an entire bottle of corn oil. "We will drink as much highly processed seed oil as we want! This is America!"
Senator Elizabeth Warren, who vehemently opposed RFK Jr. during his confirmation hearing, was seen sobbing uncontrollably in the Capitol Rotunda, crouched in a fetal position and clutching a bottle of canola oil.
RFK Jr. has repeatedly argued seed oils are poisoning Americans and now he's in a position to do something about it. But that hasn't stopped Democrats from downing entire bottles of seed oil in an act of defiance.
"It's not illegal yet!" Senator Sheldon Whitehouse said as he downed an entire bottle of sesame oil.
Outside of Washington, reports are coming in that Democrats are stockpiling seed oils so that they can enjoy seed oils for many years to come, or at least as many years as the seed oils allow them to live.
At publishing time, organized crime has taken over the production of seed oils and opened speakeasy grocery stores where shoppers can buy contraband oils.
Meet Devyn. The 16-year-old Chick-fil-A worker who has replaced the entire government.
