WASHINGTON, D.C. — With news continuing to filter in about the second assassination attempt on former President Donald Trump, the nation's prominent Democrats expressed relief that Hitler was OK.
Following a busy weekend of making public statements and social media posts clearly identifying Trump as "literally Hitler" and telling the country that he posed a grave threat to the existence of the United States, Democratic leaders quickly made it known how glad they were to find out he was unharmed.
"We're just glad the greatest threat to democracy is safe," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "I know just an hour or so before he narrowly avoided a second attempt on his life I posted online about how he was leading the charge to destroy America and had to be stopped, but I'm relieved to hear that he wasn't harmed."
Other leading Democrats shared similar sentiments. "Thank God he's OK," said Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer. "He may be Hitler — and trust us, he totally is — but none of us wanted anything bad to happen to him. While it would make perfect sense for anyone listening to us to want to take it upon themselves to become a national hero by taking Trump down, that would be truly awful. Please, do not resort to political violence and also do whatever must be done to stop Donald Trump, i.e. Hitler. We hope that makes things clear."
At publishing time, prominent Democrats had taken a break from condemning political violence against Trump to strategize a new wave of attack ads designed to paint Trump and his supporters as dangerous domestic terrorists hell-bent on destroying America.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
