Democratic Frontrunners: Pros And Cons
Politics · Mar 20, 2019 · BabylonBee.com

It's a crowded field of Democratic candidates out there, with nearly every living human being throwing their hat into the ring this year, and a few dead ones. 

If you're having trouble keeping track of the various pros and cons of just a few of the seven billion Democratic candidates for president, just reference our handy list:

Joe Biden
Pro: Came out strong against pineapple pizza
Con: Has only hazy memories of his tenure as vice president

Kamala Harris
Pro: Tough on violent crimes like truancy
Con: Also tough on unborn babies

Bernie Sanders
Pro: Kids will finally learn about communism
Con: Kids will finally learn about communism

Elizabeth Warren
Pro: Would be the first Native American president
Con: Would replace the White House with a seedy roadside casino

Thanos the Mad Titan
Pro: Relatively moderate position on population control
Con: Can get a little moody/dramatic

Kirsten Gillibrand
Pro: Can balance on a chair during a campaign stop
Con: Sided with Sega in the 16-bit era

Beto O'Rourke
Pro: Has a pretty decent pop shove-it
Con: Actually controlled by a tiny, robotic Barack Obama inside his hollowed-out husk of a skull

GLaDOS
Pros: Has more human-like emotions than most other candidates
Cons: Will run deadly tests on American citizens

John Hickenlooper
Pro: Fun name
Con: Has vowed genocide against the Eskimos

Amy Klobuchar
Pro: Makes great Netflix recommendations 
Con: Is actually Vladimir Putin in a wig

Jim Smith
Pro: Sane moderate
Con: We just made him up. He's not real

Cory Booker
Pro: Can inflate to three times his size when threatened
Con: Just trying to get the job offer of US President as leverage to get the Office Depot he works at to pay him more


Ready to join the conversation? Subscribe today.

Access comments and our fully-featured social platform.

Sign up Now