WASHINGTON, D.C. — As Republicans continue to surge in the polls in the days leading up to the midterm elections, Democrats report being confused as to why their official "Do More Of What Got Us Into This Mess In The First Place" message isn't resonating with everyday American voters.
"It's dumbfounding, frankly," said Senator Chuck Schumer in an emergency meeting with DNC leaders. "We thought our vow to print more money, hire more IRS agents, give kids puberty blockers, and do everything in our power to shut down free speech was a really winning message. It looks like Americans are more fascist than we thought."
Party leaders are currently discussing other initiatives that might swing public opinion their way in the 11th hour — including legalizing abortion on kids up to 9 years old, sending even more weapons to Ukraine, and issuing every family their own personal drag queen to read to their children. "If we add some of these really popular items to our platform, we might hold off the red wave," said Schumer.
At publishing time, Democrat leaders had decided to just do what they always do and run the ballot harvesting machines around the clock until enough Democrat votes were cast.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
