VATICAN CITY — President Donald Trump escalated his feud with Pope Leo this morning, nailing a copy of The Art of the Deal to the door of the Vatican.
"Here I stand, and can do no other," declared Trump as he drove the nail into the Vatican door. "My conscience is captive to making the best deals. If the haters and losers like Pope Leo can't handle that, too bad. I cannot and will not recant anything about the elements of the deal and why I make the best deals of anyone."
A crowd of onlookers stood in stunned silence as Trump finished securing the book, then rushed forward to read the president's theses. "Listen to this part," said bystander Mattia Russo. "Trump writes, 'I like thinking big. I always have. To me, it's very simple: if you're going to be thinking anyway, you might as well think big.' Oh man, the pope is so cooked."
According to sources within the Vatican, the clergy had descended into open warfare, with some clerics sticking by the pope, but many siding with Trump and his The Art of the Deal. "Face it. You read Trump's theses, and you realize that the pope is WEAK and SOFT," said Cardinal Tom Burchett. "I read this excerpt this morning: 'I don't do it for the money. I've got enough, much more than I'll ever need. I do it to do it.' Now that is strength, folks. The pope doesn't have it."
At publishing time, President Trump had refused to back down after the pope had condemned his theses, declaring, "To go against conscience is neither right nor safe, and only losers do it."
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