SACRAMENTO, CA — After being accused of multiple counts of sexual assault, Representative Eric Swalwell issued a fierce denial today, insisting that he never assaulted any of the Chinese spies he slept with.
Swalwell, who is currently campaigning for Governor of California, has described all of his relationships with Chinese intelligence agents as "totally consensual."
"You can ask anyone in the Chinese intelligence community," said Swalwell. "They will all tell you that I never assaulted one single spy that I slept with. I am deeply hurt and and angered by these malicious accusations. My time serving our nation on the Congressional Intelligence Committee was marked by nothing but loving, consensual relationships with Chinese spies. That is final."
Several members of the Democratic Party have called on Swalwell to drop out of the Governor's race, but he has thus far refused. "I will not budge. I treated Ling Wong and Fang Fang with nothing but respect," said Swalwell. "We slept together and I gave them access to whatever files they asked for. That's it. Everything was one-hundred-percent voluntary and mutually agreed upon."
At publishing time, Swalwell had asked Governor Newsom if there was any rule he was aware of about serial adulterers not becoming governor.
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