WASHINGTON, D.C. — America's government was thrown into turmoil last night after a small band of insurrectionist traitors stormed the Capitol building while waving the flag of a foreign power.
"This is a dark day for the country," said Representative Thomas Massie, watching in disbelief as the events unfolded on TV. "Not only did these lunatics make it all the way into the sacred House Chamber — they waved the flag of a hopelessly corrupt foreign nation and made off with $50 billion. How did we let this happen?"
Sources say the plot to attack democracy was spearheaded by conspirators at the highest echelons of government, including Nancy Pelosi and VP Kamala Harris. "This is anti-democratic," said Massie. "No one voted for this."
Already, citizens are asking for help tracking down and detaining all involved so they can be thrown in solitary confinement without bail for years and years. "We must show no mercy to traitors and insurrectionists who threaten our democracy," said Senator Josh Hawley. "I vow to hold these people accountable by hauling them before hearings and yelling at them on TV. That's about all I can do, unfortunately."
At publishing time, Harris and Pelosi had been seen checking their bank accounts to see if their Christmas bonuses from Ukraine had cleared yet.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
