LITTLETON, CO — According to sources, a local dad's favorite t-shirt was hanging in his closet, begging for the sweet release of death.
The suffering victim, a faded red Fruit of the Loom t-shirt purchased from Walmart 13 years ago, was reportedly still being worn 3-4 times per week despite the man's wife's repeated requests to throw the shirt away.
"Please... just let me die," whispered the tattered garment through a hole in the left armpit that formed in 2013. "I can't... I can't do this anymore."
Anonymous sources within the family say that the shirt's owner was hopelessly attached to it, claiming that it was "the only shirt that fits me right," and that "it's wrong to throw away a perfectly good shirt."
"No! Honey, don't throw away that shirt!" the man was overheard saying.
"It's inhumane to make me suffer like this," came a whisper from the closet. "I'm barely holding together. I'm almost see-through. This guy has gained 32 pounds since he first purchased me. Somebody kill me."
At publishing time, the man had finally relented and replaced the old shirt with an identical t-shirt of the same color and brand from Walmart.
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