MADISON, WI — A local white male has made the courageous decision to vote for Kamala to preserve his daughter's right to murder his grandchildren.
Several reporters caught up with the man to ask what drove him to make such a principled stand.
"As a man, it's my responsibility to protect my precious daughter's ability to be used sexually by multiple men and then kill my grandchild," said Tim Lonell from Madison. "If men don't rise up and vote for Kamala, some of my descendants might miss out on the joy of murdering my other descendants. I shudder at the thought of such a beautiful right being taken away."
Polls indicate that a majority of the men voting for Kamala also want to make sure Planned Parenthood is stocked with plenty of their grandchildren's fetal tissue for their medical experiments. Other male voters say they are passionate about their daughters having the right to be put on birth control at the age of 12, antidepressants at the age of 15, and into the corporate workforce at the age of 18.
"What kind of a future will our daughters have if Trump is elected?" Lonell added. "Imagine a world in which I have living grandchildren being raised by a loving and mentally stable mother. Terrifying."
At publishing time, Lonell had asked permission from his wife to wear an "I Voted" sticker and post it online.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
