WASHINGTON, D.C.—Cthulhu the Great Dreamer has released a new tell-all book detailing his time working closely with President Donald Trump for several months in 2017.
The One who sleeps at R’lyeh briefly served as a consultant on the Trump administration late last year, but quickly left after he found himself unable to stomach the president’s platform, morals, and values.
The book contains many juicy details and behind-the-scenes glimpses of the seedy underbelly of the Trump administration, from occult rituals designed to awake the Great Old Ones from their slumber to portals leading to dimensions lost in time and space ripping open throughout the White House.
“I figured it was time for everyone to know exactly what goes on behind closed doors in the Trump White House,” the Ancient One said in a press conference, taking a sip of human souls from a mug. “I deeply regret supporting President Trump, and this is my little way of giving back to you worthless creatures, you insignificant specks floating in the nameless blights of outer voids where faint demon scratchings you sometimes hear on the farthest rim of space, yet from which your own finite vision has given you a merciful immunity.”
He then ate all the members of the press gathered, who had already gone insane the moment they laid eyes on him.
Cthulhu’s book deal was rumored to net him some $2 million, plus a promise that he would be allowed to devour the world should Trump win a second term in the White House.
At publishing time, Cthulhu had stated that he “couldn’t guarantee” that Trump hadn’t successfully awakened a Shoggoth in the murky depths of the swamps that cover Washington, D.C.