ORLANDO, FL—The CDC is warning that the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) being held this weekend could be a superspreader event. This is because the conference will completely ignore CDC guidelines and have everyone line up to kiss Donald Trump’s ring.
“They’re all going to be lowering their masks and putting their lips on the same object,” said CDC director and founder, Bob CDC. “This could be the deadliest event in human history. We strongly advise everyone there to wear 5 masks, get fed intravenously so they never have to take them off, and stand at least 30 feet away from each other and talk through megaphones.”
CPAC organizers, though, say they have no plans to end the kiss-the-ring event. “If there is one defining characteristic of conservatism,” said Quentin Merriweather, one of the event planners, “it’s complete and utter fealty to Trump. Everyone needs a chance to demonstrate this by kissing Trump’s ring and then groveling before him about their failure to stop the Democrats from stealing the 2020 election.”
The CDC asked if there could be a compromise, such as having everyone just lie prostrate before Trump to show their loyalty to him, but CPAC will not budge. Plus, they say, kissing Trump’s ring is required before the main event: Trump showing off all the tweets he’s written since January 8th but has been unable to send.