DRAPER, UT — Amid the vast savannah of cubicles that make up the marketing department, Gerald Kneevy is on the hunt. Following a brutal three-day weekend with little social interaction, the department accountant prowls the office in search of his next small-talk victim.
With a predatory gaze seeking out telltale signs of coworker vulnerabilities such as boredom or eye contact, Kneevy stalks up and down the aisles ready to pounce. This morning he carries with him a new coffee mug inscribed with "Obsessive Coffee Disorder." The mug is one of many rudimentary tools used by Kneevy to strike up conversations with unsuspecting prey.
"Hey Sheila," blurts a salivating Kneevy at the unwitting receptionist. His new mug is held in clear view. "It's not the heat, it's the humidity, am I right?" Alas, Sheila escapes unharmed as her phone rings and she insists it is important.
Too hungry to give up after one failure, the accountant continues roving the feeding grounds. Coincidentally, many of his victims seem to be having serious phone conversations, which he suspects could be a clever form of camouflage.
He spots a group of colleagues chatting near the water cooler, but they seem too engaged and alert to approach. Plus they're talking about the big game, and he did not watch the big game. He makes a mental note to watch a big game then moves on, hoping to find easier prey.
At publishing time, Gerald Kneevy had been seen gorging himself on an unfortunate victim, the UPS guy.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
