SOUTH CARIBBEAN — A couple trapped on a hantavirus-infected cruise ship reportedly have declined to be rescued by a nearby Carnival cruise, saying they'd rather take their chances with hantavirus instead.
"We appreciate the offer, we really do," cruise passenger Arthur Pendleton shouted down to rescue workers through a megaphone while wearing a hazmat suit. "But we've weighed our options. On one hand, we have fever, severe muscle aches, potential respiratory failure, and death. On the other hand, we have the deafening DJ deck, a hundred guys on board named Chaz, and the inevitable all-out violent brawl ending in death. We're going to stick with the virus."
Coast Guard officials pleaded with the couple, arguing that the Carnival ship had fully functioning plumbing.
"Yeah, but that's only until someone clogs it with beer vomit," Arthur's wife Beatrice said, coughing weakly. "And then someone will take one of the pipes off and use it for a weapon. It's okay. Tell our kids we loved them, and please, don't let them book a Bahamas getaway."
With the virus on the rise, cruise ships around the globe are facing renewed scrutiny over hygiene practices and rodent infestations. Thus far, the rat boats are still ahead in market share over Carnival.
At publishing time, Carnival Cruises unveiled a new marketing campaign with the slogan "Carnival Cruise: no rats."
