Millions Kicked Out Of Heaven Following Enforcement Of New Diversity Quota
Theology

HEAVEN—In a positive step towards diversity, innumerable souls have been cast out of heaven and are now burning for eternity in the unfathomable chasms of Hell. This purging of souls into the scorching abyss came in accordance with brand new heavenly diversity requirements.

“I was told it’s a good thing,” said Saint Peter as he worked to quell the confused masses pressing against the Pearly Gates. A heavenly aide stood behind the shimmering gates, holding up a poster depicting swatches of varying skin pigments. Some pigments had green checkmarks while others were marked with a red X.

Another aide approached Saint Peter and informed him that, due to a logistical hiccup, Mother Teresa was currently enduring eternal torment in a roiling sea of brimstone. The frustrated St. Peter sighed, “It sounds like the algorithm just mistakenly marked her as white. The fact is, she’s part Albanian, part Indian. So I guess we ought to lobby the Burning Halls of Endless Suffering and see if they won’t toss her back up here.”

When reminded that Heaven has room for all who are saved by grace, Saint Peter shrugged, “That’s true, yes. But we have to make sure every tribe tongue, nation, gender, and orientation is represented exactly equally here. Sorry." 

Speaking anonymously, one angel admitted the difficulties of deciding who goes to Heaven or Hell based on ever-changing intersectionality rules. She pulled a paper off of a fax machine and held it up, saying: “See? This is the third time we will be purging Latinos. We just got them all back up here. It’s as if the angels in charge of deciding worthiness keep moving the needle back and forth arbitrarily." 

Lucifer, son of the morning, was unable to comment on Heaven’s new diversity quotas because he was facing his own logistical nightmare. Heaven had just overwhelmed his tunnels of tears and wailing with a massive shipment of Asians.


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