NEW YORK, NY—Local police officer Trent Biggins saved the community from over fifty drivers on cell phones during his shift Friday. He did this while driving around in his patrol car and simultaneously operating his standard-issue laptop.
Biggins told reporters on a ride-along that he's just doing what he would want any laptop-wielding police officer to do for him.
"I'm no hero," he said, gunning through an intersection while using his laptop, killing one old woman and several small children. "I'm just an ordinary guy doing my job."
"Ha! Got another one," he said later during his rounds as he saw a young man texting on his phone while at a stoplight. Biggins pulled him over, knocking over fourteen construction cones in the process.
"Sir, do you know how dangerous using your cell phone while driving is?" he asked as he approached the driver's window. "Someone could get hurt."
The officer continued his thankless work, pulling over drivers who were texting or talking while driving as he used his laptop to look up their license plate numbers, check their registrations, and play Minesweeper.
"Thank me for my service," he said with a wink as he drove off into the sunset, running over five more old ladies.