U.S.—South Carolina is do-or-die for Joe Biden, and he knows it. In a controversial and desperate decision, Biden has reportedly reversed himself on the core issue of his campaign in an attempt to gain momentum.
“It is time,” Biden said in a leaked audio recording of a meeting with staffers, “to engage in malarkey.”
This decision was met with resistance from Biden’s most loyal staff members. Joel Hoffman, who is rumored to have resigned in protest, was heard on the recording pushing back against this decision. “You can’t!” he is heard pleading. “That goes against everything we stand for!”
“This is the real world, kid!” Biden responded. “If malarkey is what’s going to win it for us, then that’s what we have to do. Just look at Bernie Sanders. He’s beating us, and all his ideas are pure malarkey. And his Bernie Bros— all they engage in is malarkey. So if we want to win, we need malarkey. And we need it big time!”
“I believed in you!” Hoffman shouted. “I believed that someone was finally going to take on malarkey. And now I don’t believe in anything!”
Not only is Biden now engaging in malarkey, some have also observed him engaging in moonshines and shenanigans. “It’s sad,” said a Biden staffer who wished to remain anonymous. “He’s just a shell of his former self.”