WASHINGTON, D.C.—At a somber ceremony this morning, leading government officials announced that the US Constitution, the oldest surviving national constitution and the founding document of the world’s leading democracy, will be entirely replaced by the last wishes of Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
“She was a super lady and everybody loved her,” said Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer. “I think the least we can do to honor her memory is get rid of that musty old Constitution, which I’ll remind you nobody likes anyway, and replace it with the last wishes of Justice Ginsburg, who was much less old and musty than the Constitution and definitely smelled much better, I promise you.”
Among the list of Ginsburg’s wishes that will now make up the governing principles of the nation are the right of all Americans to a nice bowl of soup, the requirement to have all thermostats set to 87 degrees year-round, and unlimited foot rubs with that bunion lotion they sell at the Walgreens.
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi added, “Of course everyone’s familiar with Justice Ginsburg’s wish to be replaced by the next president, so naturally we’ll do that. But you may not know that she also wanted the next president to replace Justice Kavanaugh after he is killed in a bizarre, unexplained garbage disposal mishap. So, we’ll get started on that as soon as Brett has time on his schedule.”