BAKERSFIELD, CA - This week, longtime evangelist Nate Groze found himself grappling with his Christian beliefs during an online debate. He was presenting evidence for the resurrection when interrupted by the revelation that Jesus wasn't white, shaking the very foundations of his faith.
"Why wasn't I told this before??" Mr. Groze cried after "Truth_S33ker_12345" broke the news to him on an atheist forum. "I've staked my faith on firsthand experience of God's saving power, the historical evidence for the Bible's truth, and my unwavering faith that Jesus was a white man who looked exactly like me. How did I miss this - and how did my decades-long study of apologetics miss such a bombshell?"
Sources confirm that Groze's feelings turned to guilt from not being prepared to give an answer for his hope of eternal life in Christ. "I was prepared for the cosmological argument, the ontological argument, and even the 'if sky Daddy real, why I no have girlfriend' argument - but never that Jesus was a brown man. I'm devastated! I don't know what to believe anymore!"
At publishing time, Groze had his faith restored when he ate a banana, remembering God's intelligent design in the natural peel, curve of the banana for easy consumption, and delicious taste with potassium to spare.
FBI agents Scoulder and Mully hold a press conference where they reveal the incriminating evidence found in Trump's safe. This raid was definitely justified.