WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a historic compromise, the Senate and U.S. House of Representatives have finally settled on a stimulus package for Americans struggling and out of work. In addition to bailouts, money for pet projects, and payouts to unions, Congress has authorized a very special $5 off coupon to Applebee's.
"We are proud to have come together for the American people," said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi. "I am told that all those ditch diggers and plumbers in the Midwest are crazy about Applebee's! Won't this hit the spot after a long day of doing whatever it is you people do for a living? You're welcome!"
Some critics of the plan have suggested that giving Americans a coupon after forcing them to shut down their businesses for 9 months feels like a slap in the face. In response, Representative AOC said: "Well, we wanted the stimulus payments to be eleventy-billion dollars for every person, but the evil Republicans didn't allow it!"
According to AOC, there is a silver lining in spite of the disappointing legislation. "This is a great opportunity for Americans to try sex work!" she said. "Who needs a small business when you can just open an OnlyFans account?"
In a press release, Applebee's thanked the Government for its support. "We are looking forward to serving all Americans at our fine dining establishments! Please note that the promotion expires on January 20th and we can only allow 3 patrons in our dining rooms at all times. We'll see you soon!"