ATLANTA, GA - CNN is reporting that there is simply no way to call the winner of the 2020 election on Election Day -- unless of course, Biden is ever ahead. Then they can safely declare Joe Biden the victor.
"We have our winner, folks," said a giddy Jim Acosta to his bathroom mirror all night. "Congratulations to the 46th President of the United States, Joe Biden!"
"As soon as Biden is ahead we're calling it, and not a minute before," said CNN president Jeff Zucker. "Biden will clearly be our winner in that particular moment in time and absolutely nothing will change that."
Many far-right conspiracy theorists on Fox News are planning to post some results on election day, but experts are reminding the public to ignore such dangerous misinformation until all the Democrat ballots are done being counted and CNN calls the election for Biden. Real and trusted news sites like CNN will suppress any news of victory until they can declare Biden the winner.
"Trump and his supporters may still try to interfere in the election. They will insist that the election is over just because Trump is ahead," explained CNN anchor Don Lemon. "But rest assured, we will not announce results until Joe Biden is victorious!"
Biden plans to take advantage of the extended time to take a long nap before his planned acceptance speech.