FINDLAY, OH — Reverend Jimmy Elymas of Saint Balaam Episcopalian forcefully condemned a growing number of conservative churches who have spoken out against abortion, claiming they care more about politics than following Jesus. "The church shouldn't be political," he said while standing in front of the giant BLM and pride flags in front of his own church building.
When asked if the comically oversized BLM flag draped over the entrance to the church sanctuary constituted a double standard, he declined to comment. "Are you saying black lives don't matter?" he instead demanded.
The reverend's sermons have drawn attention from the community in recent weeks due to his tendency to arbitrarily condemn certain biblical teachings as "political." Curiously, members who grow in their faith appear to be leaving the church in droves, but overall membership hasn't waned thanks to a recent sermon series entitled "God is love and I love sin, therefore God loves sin" which has attracted many new members who are really into sinning.
"I don't think saving the lives of babies is a political matter — " one church member began to say before being excommunicated for overt-politicalness.
"Look, it's not hard! The church is not of this world, therefore it should never have any noticeable effect on the world whatsoever," answered Rev. Elymas. "Unless we're talking about supporting BLM. Or attending a pride parade. Or handing out pre-filled Democratic ballots with communion so that our local tax levy to give the poor free electric scooters will pass. Those are different, obviously."
At publishing time, Rev. Elymas had further condemned churches in the area for making the overtly political statement of not displaying a "Free Palestine" banner.
It's a serious medical emergency: you're minding your own business when you hear an opinion you slightly disagree with.