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Church Council Condemns 'VeggieTales' Reboot As False Gospel

U.S.—An ecumenical church council convened this week has condemned the recent VeggieTales in the House and VeggieTales in the City redesigns as a false gospel, designed to deceive the masses and lead them astray from the true VeggieTales, delivered to us from on high by the revered prophet Phil Vischer in the early '90s.

Virtually every major denomination represented at the conference was in agreement that the new VeggieTales was created by Satan to lead Christians astray with their false representation of the true Bob and Larry.

"The Netflix VeggieTales episodes are a wolf in sheep's clothing, ready to devour those who aren't grounded in the truth of the original series," said Pastor John MacArthur. "We must not betray the truth of the gospel as revealed in inspired works such as Rack, Shack, and Benny and Dave and the Giant Pickle by accepting these false gospels. If anyone tries to lead you astray by teaching a gospel that differs from the original VeggieTales as handed down on the first inspired VHS tapes, let him be accursed!"

Critics pointed to the series' refreshed character designs, different plot elements and setting, and the fact that it didn't look like it was animated on an Apple IIe computer in the late 1980s as obvious examples of the series' diabolical origins. Watchbloggers and polemicists pointed out that the characters now have colored eyes and are made up of multiple polygons. 

"I liked the old thing, and then this new thing came along, and it wasn't quite the same," said one woman representing an Anglican church in Delaware. "Obviously, it's heresy."

In the conference's final vote before dismissal, the thousands of pastors in attendance voted to burn the creators of the new VeggieTales series at the stake.

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